


Thanks (For Breaking My Heart)

by Maknaeholic



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: I'm fucking proud of it, Idk why tbh, M/M, This was my brokenheart catharsis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-11-26 12:16:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20930096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maknaeholic/pseuds/Maknaeholic
Summary: Words are sounds, feelings are actions, and man, was Christopher Bang good at music.





	Thanks (For Breaking My Heart)

**Author's Note:**

> This was written in literally a day and a half. I was completely heartbroken last night as I angrily typed it but then... then it got better.
> 
> I felt happy because it's been MONTHS, practically since I met that person, that I hadn't been able to feel proud of my writing and this... this is the best I've written this year and it's not even that long, yet I love it.
> 
> I hope you do too, as it's a VERY different style from my usual.
> 
> The only warning is that Chan is an asshole here, which he is NOT, but yeah, y'all know the drill.

Felix feels numb. Staring at the ceiling, way past midnight again, as he lays in bed with his phone almost dead next to him, the slightest hope for it to ding with a text he knew will never happen.

His heart is broken, but what's new? He's been there before, oh so many times, yet he still feels like he will never get over it. Just the same way he did before, and he got over all them. Months of sleepless nights, he'll cry in some, he'll get angry in other; but eventually, he _will _forget.

Then again, that's still wishful thinking as this time it was just anyone. It was someone who thought would never hurt him. Someone who wormed his way into his heart in the worst way, when he was okay on his own, only to break it from the inside out. He feels dumb. _Stupid _to say the least because he knew it; all along, he knew he was getting played after the first issues erupted instead of working to fix them together. He trusted his gut, but Felix _loved _him even more. Enough to ignore the red flags; his anxiety, his insecurities, his _endless _crying and getting no comfort from the person that claimed to love him.

No matter what, Felix was there to take whatever _he _wanted to give. Happily, heart full because he felt special to receive crumbs of a one-sided love he believed to be corresponded. Love doesn't make you blind, _you _close your eyes thinking words are feelings.

Words are sounds, feelings are actions, and man, was _Christopher Bang _good at music. He knew how to produce a song from scratch, mixing sounds to make the perfect song that felt real but that had nothing as much as a backbone of truth behind. He followed the sounds until the melody was no longer sweet, just an echo of a tragic film soundtrack he kept on replaying.

Felix blinks, the ceiling is still there, another hour has passed by. He's home. His body unable to keep up with his brain's fake _I'm okay's _until he collapsed in the practice room. The last thing he remembers is the members crowding him, holding his face and body, before he whispered a small, "I'm fine" just as everything faded to black. Damn, why did that had to happen when he was trying to prove the leader wrong? Their last conversation still haunts him in the back of his mind.

_"I can't stand you. You're so dramatic, always crying, even over movies! God, you stress me out so much."_

There was a slight bit of guilt in Chan's eyes when Felix hugged him, doing exactly what the older hated, _crying_, because he forgave his boyfriend before he even asked. He was so in love. Excuse as old as time, _"he will try for me, he loves me."_

The rapper has recurring nightmares from moments in time where he thought they would never fall through. Chan's confessing, his patient, the look of admiration in his eyes, the words he longed to hear, and then lies that weight down on his heart. Covering his face, Felix tries to drown out the voices in his head. Chan's voice. It's not fair.

Love's not fair.

Why is Felix crying his heart out while Chan is repeating the sounds to someone else already? Was Felix that easy? Chan knew all his fears, his scars, and cut through them until Felix lost his light then blamed on him for changing. He just wanted to protect the pieces of his heart while they still _adored _Chan.

Things break and things shatter. Chan broke Felix until the pieces were shattered, and Felix still looked at Chan like he painted the stars in the sky.

Stars... like the ones on Felix's skin. It all relates to the person who breaks your heart when you're mourning like someone died. Maybe you _do _die so you need to mourn yourself prior to see how expensive it is to die. Back to the constellations on his skin, Felix stands up to see the freckles on his in the reflection and he feels back in high school as he _despises _them again.

_"I will count them every night instead of sheep to fight my insomnia."_

Felix lets out a huffed laugh, what a joke. Now, he could make a compendium of the jokes Chan told him through their relationship.

Felix also said some but now he feels ashamed of those desperate pleads. All bad jokes.

_"Stay with me until you count every freckle. Only then will I let you go."_

Hurting is okay, they say. By they, he means JuYeon and MinHo, who are currently dating and Felix knows _he _was JuYeon, loving more than he was loved. He laughs, empty and bittersweet, because he wants his friend to be appreciated the way he wasn't. Looking at relationships now, he’s fucking scared. He just realized Chan was never _his _to begin with, they were just… just. Chan convinced him that he wanted to be sure, kept him waiting like a fool for something that would never come _for him_. He heard from JiSung he was already dating his replacement, which had Felix falling back whatever steps he had taken forward.

_Oh_, he lost his train of thought again. He forgot for a second but now he's flooded with emotions. Felix walks back to the bed, hugging his plushies as he talks himself down. Chan never did so but Felix did. Why was he so stupid? Will he ever stop blaming himself for falling in love? A part of him wanted to call Chan and give him a piece of his mind, get it all out; however, he decides that stuffing his mouth with chocolate as he cries watching a lame romcom is as good as it will get for him. So cliché. Another part of him that Chan disliked about him. What did Chan ever like about him besides his body?

Fuck, Felix was _dumb_. He reads online about the stages of grief, he’s supposed to be at depression but jumps back and forth so much, he gave up trying to keep track how well he was doing. He tries to avoid sad songs because it feels like all of them are meant for him, so he starts checking songs that make him feel good. _Better _than Chan’s songs ever did.

He goes out, sometimes. His friends actually support him a lot and hate on Chan too. The ones he doesn’t have in common with Chan, of course. Kevin despises the leader, but he tries his best to cheer up Felix whenever they meet. It starts slow, the healing.

_“Baby steps_,” JuYeon reminds him one afternoon when practice is over and he’s not running out. Felix still listens to angry breakup songs to feel better on the ride home, the ones that make him feel sexy and powerful. It takes him by surprise when he feels a hand touching his fingers and almost screams when Chan is looking at him. He frowns, taking back his own hand before he looks out the window.

Felix remembers he would have walked the tightrope for Chan, thinking Chan would catch him if he fell. He even dreamed of it once, tiptoeing over it as Chan held out his hand from the other end, and then he slipped. Now that he thinks about it… did Chan _ever _catch him? Even if it didn’t exactly place his life at risk, Chan never cared for him. He loved Felix’s attention, that was all.

Felix always walked the tightrope _alone_. He can see it now. He’s not scared to fall anymore because his steps are confident, one by one, and he even stops to look at the view from up high.

It’s not like Felix was going to get over Chan overnight just like the older did, because the older was never into him in the first place, but Felix will love himself. Every flaw and virtue. He will miss the Chan he has in his memories but that person only lived there, not in front of his eyes. The one in front of him was nothing but a lie by the things he heard about himself from others.

Arriving at their dorm, Felix taps Chan’s hand, the older turning to look at him so fast it looked like he almost got whiplash. With a smile, Felix flips Chan off before he jumps off the van right into HyunJin’s arms that was laughing like crazy. Proud of him. He goes straight to his room, taking whatever notebook he can to start drabbling down every little thing he’s felt, is feeling, and hopes to feel when it’s all over.

When it’s all _finally _over.

Part of Felix’s heart’s still broken, but he made a mental note to thank Chan later, when the leader’s told their next title song will be Felix’s first self-composed song.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope if anyone's going on through something like Lix or I, this helps them remember it WILL get better.
> 
> Penny for your thoughts?


End file.
